Motherhood is rarely ordinary. Before I had kids, I think I really believed it would be rather ordinary; filled with routine tasks and predictable events and simple solutions. It wasn’t that I believed it would be easy, but perhaps more…normal.
I can’t begin to list the number of times I pause during my day and night and mentally whisper “I can’t believe I’m doing/saying this”. Sometimes the moments are irreverent and silly, sometimes they are gut-wrenching and difficult, and other times they are downright bizarre. Here is a list of a few recent incidents that had me chuckling or sighing. I capture them here, mostly for me.
- Combing the mane and tail of a Barbie horse into buns – twice, as they kept falling out, at 9:00 pm – smack in the middle of trying to get the kids to bed – because Indigo just had to have it done (and asked so very sweetly). And then I realize that often it’s these simple gestures that mean so much to children, the knowledge that they can rely on Mama to transform their dolls into something magical.
- Explaining gingerly to Kaia that I am not comfortable with her attending a sleepover (of school friend’s I do not know) just yet. And then being shocked when my answer didn’t phase her a bit and she said “No problem, I can just go to the party and not sleep over”. She seemed to understand my reasoning and it hurt my heart to have to even discuss why we need to be smart and cautious about kids spending the night in another family’s home.
- Noticing Kaia’s profile in the dimly lit room before bed as she reads a book. She has transitioned, grown, and in that moment I could see her as a young woman. My body filled with the warmth of pride and love and adoration for her, for her Becoming and Being.
- Nestled so close to Julien at night that our his belly touches mine and I can feel every rise and fall of his breathing. And we are one little unit again and I am being filled by his Aliveness. And I reckon I am like a hybrid car being plugged in for the night; recharged by this exchange of energy and quiet love.