Snippets: Don’t Be a D*ck

Well, first off: What is the rule for placement of the asterix when you are using it in a curse word? Does it replace a vowel?  Do you put it wherever you want?  These are things I ponder.


Tonight Jason and I went to dinner with Julien while his lovely mama watched the rest of our kids.    During dinner, I peered out the window at the movie theatre across the parking lot and casually mentioned we could be all spontaneous and catch a movie.   Jason mentioned being tired and I took another few bites of pizza.

Minutes later, Jason looks up from his phone and says “We could catch ‘Neighbors’ at 6:50 but we’d have to hurry”.   I smile and we tip our waitress with the bedazzled back pocket jeans and walk through the parking lot to the theatre.   Julien looks around in the Ergo carrier and we inhale the scent of the desert air of May (which is stunningly perfect).

In line, a younger woman holds a newborn baby and we exchange smiles and ages of our children.   A woman in front of us turns around and her face lights up. “Ohhh, you brought your baby!”.   I quickly respond with “Yup, we bring him everywhere!” and am relieved when she graciously continues with “I love babies! We used to bring our babies everywhere too.”

While I make a dash for the restroom, Jason snags some Red Vines for himself and a King-sized Kit Kat for me.    We find our seats in the barely occupied theatre which is just preparing to start showing the previews.    Directly in front of us sit a middle-aged man and his wife.    As I settle into the seat, Julien lets out a loud but happy shriek.

Almost instantly, the man in front of us turns back and snidely remarks “You brought an infant with you?!” and shakes his head.   My heart stops for a moment but I reply back with an overally cordial “Oh yes, I sure did!  He’s gonna do awesome!”.  He exhales a dramatic sigh, blurts rudely out “I hope so!” and begins to stand up.

Not one to let a jerk like that have the last word, I say loudly “Oh, don’t worry, If he fusses I just will stand up and walk around, no big deal!”.   He is already heading up the stairs with his wife to find another seat.

Jason I have a few choice words about The Jerk and the movie begins.   Julien sits forward in my lap watching the movie quietly and happily.   I find myself losing focus on the movie because I’m seething about The Jerk.    In fact, I lost my appetite for my Kit Kat which is quite tragic and rare (especially if you know how much I love chocolate).   But then I realize I’m giving my power over to The Jerk and allowing his behavior to influence mine.   So I am done.  Julien falls asleep in the Ergo for the rest of the movie.

The credits roll and I say to Jason with a raised eyebrow and an air of smartass-ness “Hold up a minute, the exchange happens now”.   I spy The Jerk and his wife walking down the steps and wait until he is near me.

Pointing to the baby, I proclaim so everyone around me can hear “He did AWESOME!!!”.  Caught a bit off guard, he gives a  thumbs up and offers a slightly embarrassed “Good!!”.

“And”, I continue, “Babies are much easier to deal with than adults!”. 

He gives a slight nod and passes by me.  I don’t think he expected me to say a damn thing.    Jason and I walk a few strides behind them down the hall to the exit door and, feeling my oats from the movie, I flip him the double bird high into the air behind his back.   Jason rolls his eyes and cracks up.

Seriously dude, don’t be a dick.


On the way home, I thought of a handful of other more creative ways I should have schooled him.    One included retorting his ““You brought an infant with you?!” with “Yes, I sure did. Would you like to hold him?!”. 

But my favorite would have been to have gotten up and taken a seat directly next to his new seat of choice.   And just stared right at him.  And then to have said something like “Sir, I like to call people on their shit and with all due respect, what you said was rude.  Dude, don’t be a dick”.

But what I really want to know is, what would YOU have said?



3 Comments Add yours

  1. erin says:

    fuck, i love you. because i can just imagine your happy upbeat voice. your voice that turns to honey, pure liquid love.. how it just pours and your eyes give so much love and vibrance. protecting yourself and setting the tone.
    I love that you said it to him at the end
    I always wish I would say something, and rarely do because my heart is pounding so much that my thoughts just don’t connect with my mouth until after the event is over with.

  2. Mangala says:

    Our neighbouring older kids are sometimes mean to my 6 yr old boy, telling him that they won’t play with him. In imitation he does the same to any kid that bothers him at his kindergarten. I was picking him up one day after school and this little boy with unruly hair came right up into our car with his mother in tow and told my son,
    “I want to tell you something. If you will not be my friend, then you are not being your own friend. You’re not playing with yourself when you don’t play with me.”
    My son just took it in wide-eyed and wordless. I was mega impressed, blown away by the confidence and wisdom of this kid, which must have been inculcated by his mother of course…and I thought that was an amazingly effective thing to say to someone who’s being mean. We had a park date with the kid and his mom soon after.

    So I’d have made eye contact with The Jerk and quietly said something along the lines of, “If you were me would you have liked what you just said?”

    But alas, I’m sure I’d have thought of it in retrospect 🙂 The poor jerk, he must not be a happy man to behave like that.

  3. leighsteele says:

    Erin, my heart does the same thing but often times I still end up blurting things out. Ha!
    Mangala, thank you for your always thoughtful comments on my posts. What a story you shared of bravery! I do hope you and that little family connect deeply if it’s meant to be. 🙂

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