The Occupation of the Womb: 2013

20 weeks

Sept 1, 2013

Dear Baby,

It’s Labor Day.   This day takes on a whole new meaning after having given birth and gone through three labor days.   But this next day of labor will be the one in which we navigate the deep red sea and greet face to face.     This will likely be the last time I feel the tidal surges within my womb, the way in which my limbs give way to the flow of it all, and the gusts of my breath that become an anchor during the impending crash of waves.

Deep in-breath.   Sustained out-breath.  A moan at the peak of the surge.  An ahhhh to release it all.   Repeat.

The puzzle which is you becomes a little less mysterious and a little more clear every day.    Like a scalloped-edge old photo found tucked between pages of a used book, its subjects in faded black and white.   The curl of her hair and the way his trousers are belted seem so familiar.  Something in their stoic faces is unnamed and yet you have known them.   You study the background and squint and it all comes into view.

Yes, you are like this.   Always you have existed within me.    I recognize the morse code of your kicks and taps and twirls.    But not until that day that I lift you from the sacred gate of my womb to the sacred gate of my heart and proclaim “It’s you!” will I fully come to remember; to understand; to Know you.

Unravel

Be Opened

Sit Still

Lay Bare

Sing Your Bones to Life

Slow

Down

This is what you teach me.   Back to the roots.

And so at the root of it all, you must know this…allow this to be what I teach you:

Grow

Be Nourished

By Blood and Love

Remember This

Your First Home

My Arms

Will Be Your Next

And

Love

Always

Wins

*******************************

womb notes

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August 30th, 2013

Dear Baby,

21 weeks. Today, the desert decided to harbor slate skies and release rain. She reminds me that seasons shift and change, all living things are nurtured and grow with love. Not unlike you. We enter the “other side” now – just past half-way or so. I embark with a solemn gratitude.

21 weeks

*******************************

July 25th, 2013

16 Weeks

Dear Baby,

Tonight, as my family slept cozy in our RV under the crocheted Colorado sky, I rested my hands on my belly.  Hopeful and needing some reassurance, I waited.

And then, one small kick followed by a big swift kick.   It felt almost too powerful to be real.

Giddy, I closed my eyes and felt a smile sweep across my face. It stuck as if glued, a giggle emanating from my core.

There is fewer more precious treasures that the gift of the first real kick.

I cannot wait for more.

16 weeks

*******************************

July 17th, 2013

14.5 Weeks

Dear Baby,

You are always with me.  My hand rests in such a familiar way on my belly; a silent message of our connection.  You are still somewhat of a mystery spirit…not yet able to feel your movements; the outside signs of your existence.

And yet you exist in every moment with me, so tenderly and so full of hope.  How will it feel to finally greet you? How will it feel to a heart that has longed for you and yet knows you like the salt of my own tears?

Thank you for the small joys.

I revel.

14 weeks

*******************************

July 9th, 2013

13 Weeks

Dear Baby,

Somehow, you are going to make our life just perfect.

I know it…

How our family until will be crazy and complete with your arrival.

My desert winter baby.  Will the air be cool and crisp when you are born?  Will it be a rare and welcome rainy day?  I expect the Christmas tree will still be up, the living room softly aglow with lights.

Darkness will fall much earlier with your birth, so different than the long, hot summer nights of your siblings’ births.   Such beauty lies in the shroud of winter’s cape.

Baby, you will be our river, our gentle sea, our flowing water and ever-faithful tide. You will renew and remind.

I am so grateful.

Love you so.

13 weeks

*******************************

June 19th, 2013

10.5 Weeks

Dear Baby,

“Whoosha Whoosha Whoosha Whoosha”.

No words can ever describe the experience of hearing a baby’s heartbeat for the first time.  But today, I heard yours.   Using my own Doppler, in my own bed.

My breath was caught in my throat as I let a grin linger.

My heart, beating near your heart.  Our lifeblood song.  Together.

Thank you, Baby, for giving me hope.  Always.

I love you deep.

10weeks

*******************************

June 6th, 2013

9 Weeks

Dear Baby,

I just got out of a deep, warm Epsom salt soak in my bathtub.   As I floated, I told myself to capture this moment in time in my memory;  of the connection to you.  And to recall the knowing that in a flash I’ll be floating in the same tub in January – awaiting you, knowing it will be the last hours/days/moments of you in my womb.

Will you truly feel like my “last” baby?  Will our circle feel complete? Will I be able to gracefully accept the end of my fertility and birthing days?

How to honor such a bittersweet and powerful life transition? It feels like so much to hold.

9 weeks

*******************************

May 22nd, 2013

6.6 Weeks

Dear Baby,

I will tell the story of how you came about and came to be known, dear ancient spirit baby.

I will tell in time, but I need a chunk of undisturbed writing time to give my full heart’s focus.

For now, know this:

FINALLY!!!

And this:

I am in awe of your patience and your utter solid intention of joining your Earth family.  I am so, so, so ready for you.

I have imagined, and waited, for you for years.

You are our family’s completion, lightbringer, a verdant space holder.  You are the beginning, the end, and all of the vastness in between.

You are shock and awe; surprise and Truest Knowing.  You are storm rising and moon setting.

You fill my days with loving questions and mystery and anticipation.  It is good to grow you.

6 weeks

*******************************

May 10th, 2013, Nice, France

5 Weeks

10  Year Wedding Anniversary

Inside of me now is occurring The Big Bang.  A universe colliding and arranging and forming at its own great and sacred pace.  I carry all of the moon and stars within my womb.

It was April 18th that the dust and matter and particles crashed into each other and began to form the cosmos that will be our fourth (and final) child.

Blessed Be.

nice france

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