Allota Fagina

I am thinking about vaginas.  No, not Virgnia*.

Mostly, I’m thinking how it grates on my nerves to hear people rant about the horror of vaginal birth, how gross the process is and “OMG, your vagina will never be the same”, and plastic surgery for labia and vaginas.  And vajazzling (a whole separate topic.  by the way, if people use the slang term vajayjay for vagina, should the term for penis be panini?)

Just like techies don’t expect me to get all worked up over terabytes and torrents and touchpads, I’m not asking anyone to hold childbirth in the same sacred vein as I do.  I don’t expect that.   I mean, after all, it’s part of my job.  My passion.

But please have enough coutresy to not spew opinions without being somewhat informed.

I’ve found that there is a actual equation to these ill-informed rants about vaginas.  It goes something like this:

“Having a baby is like pushing a <insert choice of large, round, usually hard object> out of your <insert any bodily orfice here>!”

Popular choices include:  watermelon, bowling ball, grapefruit.

Besides being just plain ridiculous, these comparisons aren’t even close to being phsysiolocally and biologically correct.

Let’s review…

1. People, a baby’s head MOLDS.  Not as in growing a fungus, but as in the bones of the skull are soft and allow the baby to fit precisely through birth canal.  Much different than a giant piece of fruit or a bowling ball that retains a large, round, hard shape.  From this article:  The bones of a newborn baby’s skull are soft and flexible, with gaps between the plates of bone.

During a head-first delivery, pressure on the head caused by the narrow birth canal (vagina and pelvic bones) may mold the head into an oblong shape. These gaps or spaces allow the baby’s head to change shape. Depending on the amount and length of pressure, the skull bones may even overlap.

These gaps or spaces also allow the brain to grow inside the skull bones. They will close as the brain reaches its full size.

Now, this doesn’t mean that a baby’s head may not FEEL like a bowling ball when giving birth vaginally.  The first hand knowledge of the intensity and pressure of birth is another story….

2.  The vagina is not a static part of a woman’s anatomy that just suddenly explodes open – violently and ill-equipped – during childbirth. It’s ridiculous to me that people even say this, considering everyone knows a vagina stretches to accommodate a penis (of any size) during intercourse.

The vagina is comprised of accordion-like folds that expand and stretch during birth.   And that is also how a vagina is able to magically return (mostly) to it’s pre-birth “size” and shape.

Birth is a perfect orchestration of hormones, muscles, tissues, bones, and so much more.  The hormone Relaxin looses the joints in the pelvis so that it can open more effectively during birth.

And the tight squeeze of birth actually has a purpose;  it draws out fluid from the baby’s lungs.

I prefer to think of birth as a deep tissue massage for a baby.  Just sayin’.


Look.  Every day we poop.  And, think about the mechanics of that.  A sphincter.  That has to stretch.  Of course it’s not an exact comparison to childbirth but few people seem to question the effectiveness of that biological function.  We trust that it just works.

Oh, and technically you are pushing a watermelon out of that.

In chewed up version.


It was late one evening, and Lyric was in a deep slumber beside me.  My heart was filled up with gratitude for my three healthy children.

My offspring.

My blood.

My girls and my boy.

Ibegan to ponder the idea that I’ve carried and birth life within my body.  And that even at this very moment, my body holds a finite amount of eggs.  I walk around every day, literally carrying precious cargo.  Somehow, that night, it hit me tenderly and I had this MOMENT with my eggs; this quiet reverence for them.

I guess you could say we bonded.


Biological differences.

A man releases his sperm and feels ecstasy.

A woman releases her egg and feels crampy (well, at least I do as I feel ovulation).  If that ecstatic sperm fertilizes the egg, her body expands and stretches – organs shifting and a new person growing  –  for nine months.  But if that egg isn’t fertilized, she gets cramps.   And her uterus sheds it’s lining, thick with blood that releases over a matter of days.

Ecstasy.  Pain.


Still I think “Yes yes yes I’d do it all over again”.


*Thank you, Mom, for the incredibly cheesy VHS video you made us kids watch when I was about 10 years old that talked about the proper words for penis and vagina.  I’ve still never forgotten these words:

“Even though some kids call it Virginia”…

I can’t believe I found it on YouTube. This goes out to my bro and sis, whom were tortured along side of me with this video…


8 Comments Add yours

  1. mb says:

    i love vaginas and their accordion like qualities. and i think mine has transformed into a better shape than before my births.

    i think it’s hysterical that we use such insane language around the first yoga lesson on the universe…..birth. the baby’s body and the birth canal are dancing together in such a way that flesh boundaries become obsolete. it’s magic really.

    love you. hope you vagina is doing really well.


  2. Cristina says:

    love your post. I can’t wait to some day birth children. It’s part of what were designed to do and it’s such a blessing to be able to do so.
    and, some day, I’m gonna find that video and make my kids watch it. =D

  3. rachel says:

    HAHAH! My Kids are so watching that tomorrow! Great post!
    I feel very reverenced by the thought of Scarlett’s body, and that she has all the eggs she will ever have in her tiny sweet body! Amazing creatures we are!

  4. Sarah says:

    I may just have bad dreams about that video! So funny :).

  5. Trish says:

    Tell me you’ve seen The Perfect Vagina ( I just saw it last week, it is exactly what you are talking about. It’s so moving, just wow.

    I am curious as to what prompted this “rant.” I never hear you speak your beautiful poetry with such a sharp tongue. But I honor it, it’s very powerful. I feel your passion. You have inspired me to love my vagina deeper (wait, that doesn’t sound right) to honor those women who are unable to love their own.

    Loving you (and your gorgeous vagina,)

    PS I think I made a mistake telling Summer about how she had all her eggs, and babies, inside of her already. Now whenever someone asks her what she wants to be when so grows up she says, “A mommy, cause I have MILLIONS of babies in me.” Just sounds weird coming from a 4 yo ya know ; )

  6. luannemacy says:

    WOW! What a strange video… Whatever man.

    I hear ya on this topic. You know this is close to my heart too. Someone recently was telling me how disgusting and revolting birth is. I don’t know if he’d ever seen a birth. I told him it’s different when it’s your partner and your baby, to which he replied that he wished it was like in the old days where the guy waits outside.

    The only real disgusting thing is his attitude. Birth is beautiful. The end.

  7. Micki says:

    Oh how relevant this topic is to me…Saturday I was at a dinner party and a girl went crazy about how amazing c-sections are and I about fell to the floor and went on a natural birth unless medically necessary is way better rant; anyway great post! I agree Vulva’s/Vagina’s rock!!

  8. Jesssica says:

    I am not sure I am safe to comment to this. I get so annoyed at people who think birth is torture and you’ll never be the same blah blah blah. My personal rant is that c-sections make sure you are never the same. Some people think they have a better vagina after giving birth, I know of no one that thinks their bellys are better after sections.

    I’ll quit now but thanks for letting us into your head and heart. 🙂

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