Chicken Scratch

  • My Kaia is learning to use the big potty and prefers to go diaper-less most of the day; using either her tiny plastic potty or climbing up onto the big one, wiping all on her own. I am so proud of her. She lights up when she finally “goes”, widening her eyes and crinkling her nose and saying with confidence “The juice is coming out of my body!” We usher in the dawn of a new era. I am beginning to like it and have yet to learn how to let go of my expectations that she’ll have a squeaky clean bum.

  • I am always tired. I see it on my face when I look in the mirror and feel it in the heaviness of my limbs. I don’t eat well, don’t exercise, and don’t get enough fresh air. What am I thinking? That energy will just infuse itself magically into my body one day? Kaia’s 6am fresh-faced awakenings are not helping the dire situation. Thank goodness for Tivo and Sprout. Perhaps I need to heed the advice of friends and take up coffee drinking.

  • Oh my Indigo, she is a carnival of pure joy. She doles out lip-smacking kisses over and over, leaning in with her blue orbs for eyes, the blond wisps of hair curling out beyond her ears. Her compact body – still so small and wonderful – clings to mine as if it belonged there. I clutch her chubby legs and tickle behind her ears as if she were a puppy because I cannot contain my bliss. When she runs I hear the sound of her padded feel making their way down the hall, her soles slapping the tile and I think “That’s the sound of being alive”.

  • I have been lazy lately. Truly lazy. Picking up the house just once, shortly before my husband gets home. Leaving dirty diapers all around, not sweeping the floors or hanging laundry. Paying bills last minute. Letting the food in the fridge wilt and mold and stink and rot. Tossing pizzas in the oven and tossing slices of fruit on plates. Throwing on my husband’s t-shirts and boxer briefs. Taking a shower in the late afternoon, with the girls. Can I find beauty in this chaos? It is hot here and sleep is so limited. I want to badly to begin decorating the home we’ve lived in for only 6 weeks but in my mind’s eye cannot envision a time in which I’ll be able to spare a few hours to do so. My energy is stagnant, both physically and of my heart. I need some invigoration of my chi. Ideas? (Ahem, easy ones for now please).

  • Came back from a two day, San Diego ocean get-away with a lovely friend. Sans kids! Soaked up the ocean’s salty breeze and crisp, cool tides. Walked more miles than I have in an entire year, along the beautiful boardwalk, and meandered barefoot along the streets of San Diego. Conversed for six hours straight each way without interruption or disruption. Had me one bottle of a wine cooler and felt dizzy and numbed – lightweight! Sported a bikini (I am ridiculous) and resigned to be okay with my belly pooch. Talked to the ocean and she didn’t mind the pooch either. Exchanged hundreds of glances and laughs with friend. Hand-expressed breast milk a few times a day. Stood facing the ocean, savoring the feeling of waves crashing around my thighs, simultaneously feeling grounded into the sand and washed away with the tide. Let the seaweed stick to my ankles, strained between my toes like spaghetti. Came home to messy-haired, beautiful children, a tired husband, and a baby who has little interest now in nursing.

  • Two weeks ago, with a house to myself for a few hours, I suddenly had this overwhelming urge – deep in my body – to do the following: clean the house, hike to the top of a mountain, go swimming, smoke a cigarette (I don’t smoke), smoke a joint (I don’t smoke), drink some wine, get a haircut, have an orgasm, write, run a mile, sing in my living room and listen to my voice echo, bake some cookies, get a massage, and take a nap. ALL AT ONCE. I didn’t know where to start. I lay in bed, contemplating a flurry of excitement and possibility. In the end, I did a few. I’ll let you guess which ones. It felt good to indulge.

  • Reminding myself: I can be messy and clean. I can be right and wrong. I can say Yes and No. I can take and give. I can relinquish and hold tightly. I can be angry and forgive. I can meet expectations and disappoint. I can love as if it’s the last thing on earth and not give a flying rat’s ass. I can live in this brief and fleeting moment or not breathe so that it passes quickly. I can plan and let it flow. I can accept and fight.

  • I am not required to be any of these ALL of the time. I have a choice. I am fluid, resilient, a speck of light in a big, big world.

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5 thoughts on “Chicken Scratch

  1. Hire a housekeeper!! Then not feel guilty about it. I am going to try it for the first time tomorrow. THey are going to do the baseboards (scary, those haven’t been cared for in years), blinds (hope they aren’t allergic to dust) ceiling fans the only reason no dust there is they are in constant motion, cabinets, doors, fronts of appliances and the floors. Scrub the toilets, shower doors!! (and other things I am not thinking about right now)I am so excited I can hardly stand it!!!

    It will relieve some of your stress and anxiety with one less thing to worry about.

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