Starting

A ten-minute writing challenge, courtesy of Jena.

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Where to I start? 8:44 pm

Where do I start? This is a consistent, unanswered question in my life. (Oops, I hit backspace to delete some words and I am not supposed to be editing).

Where do I start this sentence? This train of thought, barreling like a true freight train through my brain with no intention of stopping for anything?

Where do I start with this meal? With the stack of oreos or the spinach salad? The salad but only because it gives me an excuse to be able to eat the oreos.

Where do I start cleaning my house when I can’t leave my children for more than 3 minutes? Do I start with sweeping the fluffs of dog hair consuming every corner? Do I drag the clean laundry – sitting crusty in my washer for 2 days – into the dryer or rewash them again? Do I attempt to organize the chaos of Kaia’s over-toyed room; a room with clothing spilling from each drawer like slobber on the face of a toddler? Do I load the crumb-smattered dishes from the sink into the dishwasher? If I start will I ever finish this one task?

Where do I start with potty-training? Gentle sleep “training”/coercion/bribing with Indigo? A tooth rushing routine with Kaia?

Where do I start to ensure I get to that prenatal appointment, to my friend’s home, to the sitter’s on time for once?

Where do I start to find the energy to love my body enough to exercise, eat healthy, meditate, and dance with bliss?

Where do I start finding the most gentle and real parts of me that can love my daughter’s into being kind and goofy and confident and vulnerable and and crazy but not too crazy and expressive but not screaming at the top of the lungs?

Where do I start opening my heart wider and wider so that love flows out, undammed and unleashed, into the hearts of others so very deserving? Where do I start letting go of fear of the truth, honest to-the-bone rawness of my humanity and spirit?

But truly, most importantly perhaps…where do I stop? 9:44 pm

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8 thoughts on “Starting

  1. Darling Leigh, your love is already felt flowing out into the world. Don’t doubt this. Ever.

    And start by rewashing the crusty clothes. I swear. I’ve tried it the other way and it was gross.

  2. you have already started, right here, right now, again and then again, and then again and you never stop, just pause, and rest, and that in itself is it’s own start. start. with what you know. love. life. ease. start with where you are. amongst beauty and dirt and screams and drools and farts and the moans of a birthing woman.
    how funny is brooke? i agree with her, been there done that. something tells me she’s probably only left them to crust 1 time. with me, it’s daily.

    this is such a brilliant gift to ourselves and other: our writing unhindered, unthought, channeled through greater forces of our soul, absent judgement or time and rhythm, meter gone, just the hush of the spirit working through us.

    i love you dearly. sula would like kaia at her birthday party on saturday. can you make that happen?:-)

    mb

  3. I have a load of crusty clothes at least once a week, and I agree with Brooke and MB. They must be rewashed, sometimes twice to get the stank out. You’d think that would be motivation for me to get my huge lazy booty downstairs to put them in the dryer but, week after week, it is not.

  4. maybe its not stop, just pause, that moment between the exhale and inhale.
    And as for your love, your heart, it is big. A big heart you have my dear.
    I know life gets crazy and desire beats loud and it is just plain hard many, many days.
    But your big heart, it is enough.
    You are enough.
    I love you dearly.

  5. I’m glad to know someone also ponders these questions. It’s not everyday that we have the answers, it’s everyday that we can only breathe and enjoy the moment.

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