I beseech you: please release yourself from my husband’s grip.
Yes, your gyrating screen is tres cool. And I adore your little colorful icons and that slick way you unlock capabilities by having him slide his fingertip over your touch-screen. But the parasitic relationship needs to cease.
Because when I catch him watching movies on you while lounging on the couch (never mind the silence coming from the flat, wide- screen TV 10 feet in front of him) I want to run away screaming. And I can’t even begin to ask “I wonder where a Pizza Hut is…” because you immediately have him eyeball deep in a locating program that gives us a map to the closest whatever. And an address. And a phone number that will connect us instantly. Remind me to never casually mention Victoria’s Secret while you are in grabbing distance.
And I swear you must just beg to cuddle, because I often catch him simply cradling you one-handed and staring wistfully into your obsidian screen.
But c’mon, did you have to bust out the Zelda and Super Mario and Contra games?
I guess I should at least be grateful for you huge ass, crystal-clear display, because at least he can show off photos of me in a very high tech and relatively flattering type of way. And, the metallic icon tattooed on your back does make me smile when Kaia sees it and proclaims: “Apple!”.
Lastly, I will say that you do not yield your powers solely for evildoing, as you do manage to pop up a Wiggles or Teletubbies video quickly on YouTube while a screaming toddler waits for food at TGIFriday’s. Although, now that I mention that, you are pretty evil for picking those two programs.
And I guess I can’t forget how easy it is to check my email from your device. That is, when I can wrangle it from my husband’s stingy hands.
I guess this note didn’t quite go exactly as I’d intended.
What can I give you in exchange for my husband? I do have a hot pink RAZR up for grabs. It’s a scratch-n-dent piece of shit, but it’s…cute.