We’re “half-way there” as they say…21 weeks already. Wow. This is the time in our burgeoning relationship when suddenly the days and nights melt into one and quickly seem to pass us by. We will move together through Spring mornings full of golden poppies and then into the sweltering eves of Summer’s moons. You will be here before I know it and the reality of that is at once overwhelming and euphoric.
You now move and twist and dance quite often. And, about two weeks ago, your Daddy got to feel your movements for the first time. You are like your sister was when she was cozied inside my belly; you both almost instantly respond to the firm, loving weight of your Daddy’s hands. His reaction was just as sweet as when he felt your sister’s for the first time. Now, our bedtime ritual is to be with you together, hands on my belly, surrounding you with love and trying to capture some of your movements. Last night, I sat in the living room and could actually see your poking and prodding and turning through my belly. I find it hard to believe that you still have so much more growing to do! You are already so very perfect.
A few weeks ago, I dreamed you were my little daughter and we named you Juliet Mint. Your Daddy has tried to convince me that Mint would be an endearing middle name. In the meantime, we’ve settled on simply calling you “The Mint”. Of course, we jazz it up sometimes and call you “Peppermint” or “Spearmint”. Your Earthly name has continued to elude us. I think that is how it is meant to be. We will know when we meet you. Your name is already written in the ancient manuscript of our hearts.
This past weekend, I also dreamed that I was preparing to have another Cesarean birth. As I lay on the operating table, Jason to my side, I demanded to those in attendance that I would have a “Sacred Cesarean” and detailed the process in length: the lights will be dimmed, soft music will be playing, the Doc will slowly bring you from my uterus as if you were being softly squeezed through my birth canal, and then he will help place you in my hands for me to “catch you” and bring you out of my body; your home. I would place you immediately on my chest and your cord wouldn’t be cut until it was done pulsing. Also, I began arguing with the anesthesiologist that I didn’t want a Spinal, that I only wanted local anesthesia and they kept telling me “We can’t do that, it just won’t work”. I told them I wanted to “feel something, anything, I don’t care if it’s pain”. Finally, the Doc actually strolled into the room quietly and kneeled in front of me. He held my hand and softly said “We can do all of this for you. It’s no problem. I think this will be wonderful”. I immediately relaxed in his presence and felt surrounded by good energy.
When I woke up, I recalled a very similar dream I had in July of last year, before you were part of my physical body. Suddenly, I remembered the face of the Doc in that July dream and realized it was the same Doc in this dream. What does that mean? Who is this man, this energy, this soul?
More than ever, I trust that your birth will be peaceful, non-violent, loving, and in our home. I really, really believe that. I know that in the deepest parts of my essence and intuition, even in those parts that sometimes still tremble with sorrow at the memory of Kaia’s birth. After all, that sorrow has liberated me; it has stung my heart like the hottest rays of the desert sun and rejuvenated it like the silken monsoon rain. I am trying to listen to the lessons my dreams hold. What are they? Certainly your birth will be sacred. I do hope the atmosphere is calm and dim and pulsating with the hormones and vigor of birth. I hope to reach for you with my own hands and draw you near to my reverberating heart center (which I am preparing and continuing to open for you through my new yoga practice with MB). Maybe in this dream your sister Kaia is being reborn, this time in the tenderest way possible. Perhaps, this is her rebirth. And my rebirth. And a dream of healing, creating big and open and beautiful space for all of the mysterious parts of your very own birth.
I also recently understood that I will not travel in the astral realm again until your birth. It will be then that we journey together once more and witness universal unity. What a gift to anticipate.
Have I also told you that you are both somehow connected to the deep bayou as well as the high mountain folk music, full of the sounds of the enchanting dulcimer?
Baby love, I had a freak out moment recently when I learned I had gained 17 pounds already! Peeking back at Kaia’s pregnancy journal, I’d only gained 14 pounds at 24 weeks. So, I’ve been resilient and good about eating better for you. I pack in the protein first. I still occasionally (or daily? Ha Ha) indulge in chocolate. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. And who knows? Maybe I’ll gain more weight with you. I can handle that, really. It’s the weight and nourishment of our forever love and connection that matter the most.
And while I sometimes struggle with grasping the warp-speed intensity at which my body is morphing (have you seen my thighs lately?!), I mostly feel really good in this stretching skin. Yes, the acne eruptions rival any teen’s and are embarrassing. Yes, getting down on the floor to play with your sister has become more difficult. Yes, I have to ask your Daddy for help more often in heaving myself off the couch. And yes, I practically flop into the smooth, cool sheets of my bed in overwhelming exhaustion every night and konk out right as I whisper an “I love you” to your Daddy. But I do feel really good; I’m breathing deeper, I’m enjoying the journey, I’m embracing the way we together create a sacred space and home for you.
I want you to know that I am completely surrounded by incredible love and light and people of goodness. I don’t have words to elaborate on what this means to me and how this great tribe of people move under my skin to soothe me and cradle my heart. I wish I could really explain the deep connection these people have with you already. Sometimes we sit together and try to “figure you out”, your magic and your spiritual nature. In the end, you simply intrigue me.
I love you, my little, cool, refreshing Mint.