Daily Liberation?


Art by Phil Dynan

The illustration depicts the moment that this character (Birdtoe’s “sister”) looks inward and confronts her worst fear and finds that in the very instant of confrontation, that fear dissipates! (notes from artist’s website)

Seriously, I just can’t do it. I’m so sorry my sweet Jeanette, but I can’t bring myself to committing to writing on a daily basis. I’m not bred that way. “Why, plan in advance? Remember to do sometime routinely? Commit and follow through? You’ve got to me kidding.It’s me you’re talking about. The same girl who can’t manage to write thank-you cards to save her life (here’s an en masse thank you to everyone), or can’t bear scrounging through heaps of clothes to find underwear (thus I’ll go sans undies), or never pays her bills on the day they are due even when I know that day is today. I just…cannot…do it. I am also the same girl that refused to fully memorize her 10-minute long speeches for the Speech Tournaments in high school until the night before the meet (or during the bus ride there). Hey, I still took first place quite often.

Why? What is it in me that somehow gets a bit of sadistic joy out of bucking the system, even when no system really exists? It’s about committing. It’s about creating my own reality so that apparently no one else can live in it and understand the laws and rules. Am I afraid of not being able to follow through and thus feeling like a failure? Perhaps I don’t want to let anyone down…so if I didn’t make the cuts during a Speech tournament I could always blame it on the fact that I didn’t quite have my speech memorized. There would be no room for excuses like that if I’d been a good Speech Geek and memorized weeks prior. Then, I just would have been a big fat loser for not placing.

Wanna know the crazy thing? I’ll probably end up posting every day anyways for the same exact reasons. Just because when I do, it will be by my own accord and not because someone has asked me, or because I’ve signed up, or because someone is counting on me. It will be a pleasant surprise – and who doesn’t like pleasant surprises – like a windfall of money (sorry, you won’t get rich on my writing). Isn’t that sick? Or, if I miss a night…Oh well, no one’s counting on me anyways! I’ve let no one down, not even myself. I can move right along through my alternate, safe, hidden reality and hum quietly in the corner while I read daily blogger updates and eat Tootsie Rolls. Panty-less.

This nonsense seems to be part of my character that I’d rather liberate than hold down fast in chains…

Hey, I’ve always told people I have a talent for rationalizing. I really do. Tell me about your issues and I’ll listen real good. I’ll offer support. Then, I’ll start to rationalize just a little…

And I’m sooooo not a typical “rational” person. Once, when I got so pissed off at my family for saying something that irritated me, I took a big ol’ black marker and scrawled a scathing poem in huge letters across my entire, attic-arched ceiling. That’s not rational. The worst part is my poor little sister got the raw deal of painting over it somehow (I think I was just too lazy – never followed through – and was gone to drama camp for a week when my Mom couldn’t take it anymore. Thanks, sis!). I later turned to wildly ripping pages out of magazines when I was angry….perhaps a bit more rational. Well done there.

Sooo, if I’m going to try and surprise myself and others by posting almost every (other) day, then I need topics. I’m so out of topics. Lemme have ‘em. Throw ‘em at me like birdseed on a sidewalk, like bread crumbs floating in a duckpond. I may chomp on it…

I can’t commit to anything, but…you never know…there may be liberation awaiting…

PS If I post twice in one day can I count that as two days worth of posts? See, there’s my rationalization at work!

“…As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (thanks, MB)
-Marianne Williamson


3 Comments Add yours

  1. mb says:

    HA! You think I signed up? Nah, never. At least I don’t think I did. I just tel myself I did so I would write.

    I have the same issues with you…i am a bit of a prude. I realize that sex and birthing go hand in hand. For me, birth liberated me to really get sex and my body. It made me feel good about really opening up to say AAAHHH.

    Jayme is hysterical. Always has been. We did not speak for like 10 years so it is really good to be back in touch.

    love you

  2. Don’t do two posts in one day. Type the second one up in Word, and wait until the NEXT day to post it. All done!

    If you’re looking for inspiration, I left a little challenge for you on my blog ;).

  3. Dad says:

    Funny girl,

    I read your self description and realize ever more that you are…..your father’s daughter!


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